Bar Night

-Grab beer out of fridge and begin drinking.

-Grab another beer out of the fridge and hand it to your friend.

-Quote this whole scene as your friend opens his beer.

-Drink only 3 more beers for the next 38 minutes because you’re a huge pussy.

-Plug iPhone into speaker and put on Pandora Southern Rap station.

-Gucci Mane comes on. Break out a handle of old Rubinoff and begin taking shots, toasting to The Big Guwap.

-Get a text message from the girls you invited over for a pre-game informing you that they’re not coming over because one of them thinks you’re weird.

-Get another text message from the ugly girl with the hairy butthole you’ve been secretly fucking all year. Delete her number and make an oath you’ll never bang her again.

-Plant your ass on a couch in front of a television and alternate between shots of Rubinoff and beers while watching Sports Center.

-One of your roommates returns home and informs the group that he’s not going out tonight because he has a paper due tomorrow. Begin to shamefully ridicule said roommate and threaten to refer to him as “Stephen” for the rest of the night.

-Hop in shower. Consider shaving your bush but decide against it after concluding you’re not going to get pussy tonight anyway.

-Aggressively masturbate in the shower using bar soap as a lubricant. Begin to realize that your penis is burning like a lava cake but continue to fight through the pain (pleasure?) anyway.

-Walk downstairs and show your stop sign red penis off to the room. Nickname your penis “The Red Baron”.

-Get dressed. Head back to living room and continue drinking on the couch.

-Cab has arrived to take you to bar. Yell at your friends for calling the cab so early and tell them you’re not drunk enough to leave yet. Cab leaves. Continue drinking.

-Attempt to lure girls walking down the hall into your room by telling them you want to head-but their vaginas. Receive terrible looks. Tell girls that once they graduate and enter the real world they won’t even be able to get a job doing bukkake porn.

-Another cab arrives. After much argument you reluctantly agree to get in. You’re still not drunk enough.

-Arrive at the bar and throw your expensive winter coat on the floor. (Never see it again).

-Make your way to the bar and establish a position of dominance in the corner. Begin to scan bar for rich friends to buy your drinks.

-After scanning for 15 seconds your patience has been depleted. Buy two shots of Jameson. Take first shot of Jameson.

-Calmly walk to mens bathroom and projectile vomit. Consider getting a cab home to cry yourself to sleep while watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

-Head back to bar and take second shot of Jameson. Curse your life.

-Buy a beer and walk over to the pool table where your friends are. Talk to friends about incredibly unimportant shit while pretending to be interested in the current pool game.

-Face the crowd and begin to blatantly scan the room for girls you would like to hook up with. Come to terms with the fact that you go to one of ugliest colleges in America.

-Head back to the bar with rich friend to buy shots.

-See girl who didn’t come over earlier because she thought you were weird. Spread rumor that when she was in high school she used to put peanut butter on her vagina and let her dog lick it off. Giggle to yourself.

-Walk back to pool table. Continue drinking and talking about boring shit while watching pool.

-Rinse and repeat for at least another hour.

-Notice that the bar is closing in 30 minutes.

-Approach three girls and hit on them. Get shot down by all three.

-Drink a beer alone at the bar and wait until bouncer kicks you out.

-Exit the bar and begin to run around the parking lot like an ape looking for a cab and a female to bring home. Get lucky with neither.

-Walk home with friends in just a t-shirt and pants because you lost your winter coat. Converse the whole way about how gay the school you go to is and how ugly the girls are while you simultaneously order food.

-Ask your friend for the hideous girl’s number you’ve been secretly fucking and then tell her to come over. Make an oath to yourself this will be the last time you hook up with her.


No Pussy For You Finch

The following text is a texting conversation I had with a very lucky female at school. This was my best attempt at getting this girl to come meet up with me and hump.

Me: What are you doing tonight (3:06 pm)
Me: Hello thanks (4:21 pm)

Her: I was in the library sorry (5:45 pm)
Her: I’m going to din/movieee

Me: With whom? (5:46 pm)

Me: ? (6:42 pm)

Her: You are needy! (6:45 pm)
Her: With my friend

Me: You’re the worst to text (6:46 pm)
Me: Do you want to hangout

Her: No I’m not! I had to shower (6:47 pm)
Her: Well the movies at 10

Me: So you wan to just skip it and get sushi (7:01 pm)

Her: So fancy (7:02 pm)

Me: I’m craving (7:03 pm)

Her: Ya it sounds really good (7:18 pm)

Me: You’re not coming (7:32 pm)

Her: Oh now I’m disinvited (7:33 pm)

Me: No you said you’re going to the movies (7:35 pm)
Me: My house is empty

Her: Ya I’m at dinner I told you that (7:46 pm)
Her: Hah you gonna be there tonight

Me: You want to have a sleepover (7:50 pm)

Her: No (7:50 pm)

Me: We can just lay there and dock (7:52 pm)

Her: No (7:53 pm)
Her: Not appropriate
Her: And you know it

Me: I just miss docking with you (8:01 pm)

Her: No (8:03 pm)

Me: Ok I don’t I’m done (8:05 pm)

(For reference “docking” is a sexual maneuver in which you lay down next to a girl with your penis marinating inside of her like a sirloin steak. And yes we actually used to do this while we watched TV, it feels amazing and gives you a great sense of personal penis security.)

An Ode-History Class

Me in class.

Sitting in a boring class is one of the worst things I have ever been forced to do during my time as a human being. I’m currently sitting in class listening to some overweight blonde lady who claims she’s a professor, go on and on about a subject that could be more thoroughly understood if I spent a week studying the textbook. As I sit here, I am praying that somehow either I, or one of my male classmates gets the opportunity to impregnate this lady so she is forced on maternal leave for the rest of the semester. This is however impossible, because none of us would be able to muster an erection to complete such a task.

One of my friends in the class just looked over at me as if he knew that I’d just made a wish that he would have an illegitimate child with our overweight arthritis ridden professor. He’s a jew though so its fine.

My other friend is Facebook chatting me from the far side of the room. He just informed me that he has gone on a Facebook poking spree. He poked an astonishing number of 3 girls. None of them go to school here, yet he’s convinced it will help him get his “number” up to double digits. You can interpret that as you please.

In front of me sits this cute freshman chick. She went to a very uppity private school. I know this not because I’ve asked her, but I found out her name and creeped her on Facebook. I literally come into class everyday hoping to get a glimpse of this girl’s underwear, thong, butt crack, anything. It will probably never happen. Why? Because its October 9th and 30 degrees out. I won’t see a pair of female legs unless I’m in between them for at least 6 months. This is why wars are fought and civilizations collapse. The more I think about this the more I want someone to skateboard over my penis.

This professor is starting to rant about some paper I didn’t do. She is explaining that the assignment taught us a lot about history because we can’t “assume” what happened in the past. I don’t know if I strongly agree or disagree with this statement. Either way I think it’s a relatively useless claim.

The freshman girl in front of me is a brown nosing try hard. It makes me want to hate fuck her. She may or may not have just farted…for some reason I’m extremely turned on. I want to hate fuck her harder.